breathing deeply, walking backwards

the wombats - kill the director + blink-182 - feeling this = exactly how i feel.

i want to start by apologizing to everyone i have ever spoken to about mikayla. i have gone back and fourth too many times to count and i am sorry that you've had to deal with it. i do appreciate it, however, and no matter how hard i try i will continue to suck the greatest people into the problems that only exist in my head.

that said, it's back. these last 3 days have been incredible. so much quality hanging-out, great laughs and even better sing-alongs. i've realized that one thing that has changed about myself is that things with me are so much less dramatic then they used to be. everything had to be a big deal, even if it wasn't at all. i would turn everything into a scene from some romantic comedy because thats how i thought real life should have been. i've been exaggerating everything i would do concerning "my heart" felt, which, in turn, would make me feel worse (or better, inversely) then i would if i had just acted like a human. i feel that i have come down to earth a bit now, and can now handle things a hell of a lot better than i used to, and my first opportunity is right around the corner.

it's nice to know that i am her escape; i just hope thats not all i'm destined to be. being a safety blanket can be really great, just to know that i am the first thing she immediately reverts to when things go bad. but that can also be a real hollow relationship, no matter what kind of relationship it is. if all i am is reliability, then i am no more important than the pleasant scent of freshly washed clothes. i don't think i've gone that far down - actually, i think thats where i used to be but now am back up to where i was 3 years ago.

i'm gonna do it. got real close tonight, but she has work at 830 tomorrow morning and she was itching to get home and go to bed. it needs to happen soon. if nothing else it can result in some sort of closure, i hope. i hate looking forward. i hate planning the future. i hate forcing surprises away from my life. i love living in the moment: right now, this (in the infinitive) makes me happy, so i am only going to do this, regardless of what possible negative outcomes may result from the choice i've made. i'm just gonna take the chance and accept whatever the outcome is.

i'm going to try to not say anything about her to anyone anymore.

throw in a little blink-182 - asthenia and blink-182 - rollercoaster for the pining.

"every time you take a big risk in your life, no matter how it ends up, you're always glad you took it."