the gaze

fuck, nick.

2009-02-23T22:16:00.000-08:00

i really miss you. i hope i see you soon, before you leave for whatever school you'll go to for your graduate degree.

i love you, nick.

buddy

2009-02-18T07:50:00.000-08:00

patrick wolf - the gypsy king (new fucking obsession.)

back from the dead? nah. there aren't enough people who read this for it to matter if i disappear for a couple months.

news!

- new apartment with danie. in hayes valley. small, but awesome.

- job still killing me quickly. fuck you, economy.

- CAT. got him yesterday. don't have a name yet.

- seems as though the kamikaze rain has let up for a bit. thank god. i've been craving bike.

- valentines day danie truffles were a success. well, she likes them, i can't handle 'em.

- danie got a rebel xt, which means i'm gonna be shooting more. thank god. ive been itchin.'

well, maybe i'll post more often. i want to, but i just never have anything to say. life is good enough that i don't need to whine daily on the internet to my anonymous (and not-so-anonymous) readers.

still though, if you're reading this post, thanks for the dedication. heh.

HEY

2009-02-14T20:23:00.000-08:00

you better follow through. you fuck.

wishlist

2009-01-19T18:49:00.000-08:00

canon 5dm2 - $2700
eai bareknuckle frame - $735
wheelset (dura ace laced to mavic open pros) - $500
thomson seatpost - $80
king headset - $130
sugino 75 bottom braocket - $100
polaroid sx-70 - $100

total - $4345

ffffffffffuuuuuuuuu-

give it a shot

2009-01-18T20:01:00.000-08:00

i'm a little drunk, but i'll try posting some shit.

danie and i got a dope place. shit yeah. in hayes valley. we move in on the first. i love the place. though small, it has so much potential to be awesome. and no, it isn't some awesome old victorian or some shit, like i had wanted, but there are the years to follow to find something like that.

danie is the best. i love this girl like crazy.

nick, you should come chill sometime, i didn't see you nearly enough when you was on yer winter break.

also, i'm selling my car because insurance is gonna cost me $500 a month. what the fuck. fuck no. but yeah, that'll be a bit more cash, i'll probably just spend it on some dope bike shit, like a new frame and a seatpost and maybe some hubs or something. i got real fucken hyped on bikes today, and then got bummed that i couldn't buy anything i wanted. fucken broke.

i need to go drink some more gin.

too many nannies

2009-01-17T21:37:00.000-08:00

wat

new digs, brah

2009-01-16T20:58:00.000-08:00

View Larger Map
(zoom in thrice)

move in february 1st. come chill.

worked up so

2009-01-05T15:41:00.000-08:00

i'm feelin' pretty good about this apartment we just viewed. it's pretty dope, and in a badass part of town, so, i hope we get it.

so close to market, and haight and castro, and the mission. oh shit.

i've gotten bad at "blogging."

tomorrow is christmas

2008-12-25T00:40:00.000-08:00

but i'm most excited to see my girl.

titles

2008-12-23T11:18:00.000-08:00

the jonbenet - dramarama

guhhhhhh. space heaters are the greatest innovation. after a while the novelty of being able to see your breath while laying in bed wore off, and i have since purchased a $21.99 space heater to keep us warm. and it works magnificently. mmmmm.

mötley crüe - looks that kill

my creativity is missing. i haven't been inspired to shoot in a while. i want to. i want to shoot. it kinda sucks right now, though, since i can only shoot film, but i'm far too broke (read: unemployed) to afford film or the processing/scanning fees, and i am beyond too broke to be able to purchase a dslr. one day.

i am settled here. very settled. so much so that i am able to say "this is my life," and say it with confidence and pride. i am so happy in my current situation. well, with the exception of shitty-cold-tiny-lame roommates-lame landlord-apartment. and no job. and lack of creativity. but all of that is so secondary to my happiness here. this is so awesome.

i worked as a bagel delivery man for a week. sucked. 130 to 7. AM. guhhhhh. not down with that shit. i fucked my sleep schedule up pretty good. i'd sleep from 9 to 130, then after work i'd sleep from whenever i got home until about 1230. god. i'm happy thats over. i got paid, though, and getting paid is always awesome. i got about $800 for 10 days of work. legit? kindof.

hopefully i'll get to see brianna and nick and julia today. i'm going home for a few days, then danie and i are jettin' off ta carmel for a couple days. a nice little break for her. i'm excited.

i'm trying to like this new kanye album, but, i don't know. give me a bit longer.

feelin' quite apathetic this morning. not down. i want to get excited about something right now. fffffffuuuuuu-

my friends need to come see me in san francisco. it will be awesome.

converge - bitter and then some

guhhhhh

2008-12-11T22:39:00.000-08:00

danie sleeping

my sleep cycle has been thoroughly fucked. i have a very temporary job (read: one week) that requires me to be up at 145 am. then i drive around the city for 5 hours. then i come home and sleep from 730 till 1-ish. and right now i cannot seem to fall asleep fer a couple hours before i need to be up.

it's money, though.

guhhh.

you're amazing

2008-11-28T11:57:00.001-08:00

and i love you.

fucken

2008-11-19T08:28:00.000-08:00

strep throat.

jesus. this shit is so painful. though, i am now a HUGE fan of penicillin. that shit works wonders overnight.

but, danie is most likely gonna get it too, since the two of us have been inseparable for the last month. makes me feel bad.

i still can't really eat anything, maybe some pudding, but hell, at least i can talk now. DOPE.

owned!

2008-11-04T20:54:00.000-08:00

the new trust - wretched and unwanted

dope!

life rules:
new bag
new shoes
obama won
AMAZING girl.

i'd like to elaborate on the girl, but i have too much to say. it would be one of those scan-halfway-down-the-post-and-notice-he's-still-talking-about-her-then-scan-to-the-bottom-and-of-course-he's-still-talking-about-her-so-fuck-it-i'm-not-reading-this kinda posts.

i'll just say that she is incredible. that she is sweet, and funny, and smart as hell, and adorable, and passionate, and selfless. we are perfectly complimentary to one another, and she is the girl i've always thought couldn't exist.

head over fucking heels, man, head over heels.

afraid

2008-11-02T01:22:00.000-07:00

the velvet teen - into the open

of a good word.

i'm not ready to die just yet

2008-10-28T18:29:00.000-07:00

against me! - TSR TSR TSR TSR TSR TSR

THIS SHIT RULES!

i've met someone that makes me feel sea sick

2008-10-28T13:47:00.001-07:00

the wombats - kill the director

and i'm so pumped about it.

snakebites

2008-10-19T00:28:00.000-07:00

assfactor 4 - white house is alright if you like saxophones

again, nothing to say. though, i did have my first official freelance job today. $150 for some senior portraits. sweet. now, if i can only find a way to process the film without spending $80...

also, shane's gettin' ahead of himself with this ridiculousness. fuck you, wei, for introducing me to this shit. this is exactly what i was afraid of.

lata!

i suck

2008-10-14T08:46:00.001-07:00

hanalei - you've got to be fucking shitting me

i took that plunge, wei, and now i hate myself. haha. kindof. i'll see if it gets me anywhere. maybe some friends, at least?

YOU'VE WON 25% OFF YOUR NEXT PURCHASE AT LADY FOOTLOCKER

2008-10-09T17:43:00.000-07:00

thanks, macdonalds.

green day - jaded

alright, need another job. no work until thursday, not good.

fall is rad; brisk air rules, wind and dancing leaves are the shit, but those things are totally different when you're alone. yeah, i have my parents, and the one friend i see ever other week, but really i'm totally lonely. BAWW, i know. i've never been socially outgoing, so i don't really know where to start. fuck you, self-pity. i'm not too socially inept, but i am just enough so to render me a little useless.

indian summer - truman

i don't really post in this thing anymore, mostly because i have nothing to say. my life is the same each day, no big surprises or changes, no deviations from my normal daily routine. i wake up early, go to work, come home, fuck around on my bike for a little bit, then go to sleep. lather, rinse, repeat.

la quiete - metempsicosi del fine ultimo nevrastenica oscillazione fra poli estremi (best song on la fine non è la fine, you know i'm right.)

i'm still me, though. come on dudes, lets hang out.

fuck, man

2008-10-05T21:27:00.000-07:00

built to spill is so good.

i would hurt a fly.

so, this little aroma's session turned out to be a bit productive - new jams up on my flickr. not really new, but new to you.

one of the best days ever.

i don't know about this

2008-10-05T20:19:00.000-07:00

afi - the boy who destroyed the world

i'm sitting alone at aroma's listening to the all hallow's ep editing old images. i need to get some friends. it sucks that i have this ingrained negative disposition to anyone left in santa rosa. at least i have a bike now, and the weather is already turning into the weather that makes me happy. i rode around for a bit a couple days ago and noticed that there are already a bunch of trees missing their leaves, and a few areas in town where the streets are beginning to get covered in orange and yellow blankets of fallen leaves. god, that makes me so happy. i also love riding my bike in the cold autumn nights (yes, it is already autumn). i love that bite from the cold air hitting your face at 20 miles an hour, that shit almost hurts - it's so good. fuck, i love fall.

amazing show last night. the most fun show i've ever been to, as well as my first 21+ show. sweet. i have mixed feelings about get vulnerable, but i do love "breathe underwater" and "song for ben henning." shit last night was so good, all sorts of people singing along - though, there were a few people there that sullied the evening, just a little.

the one am radio - flicker

↑ one of the best songs i've ever head, and its a classic.

oh shit: the one am radio - gravity.

i wish some cute girl would clumsily fall into the chair next to mine, and start up some awkward conversation thinly veiling her obvious intentions. but wait, this is reality.

honestly, the only reason i'm writing this is to have something to do here - i came to aroma's only because i hadn't left my house once today. well, i was also kinda hoping to run into someone, anyone i know.

ffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-

shouldn't listen to the one am radio right now, bummer jams aren't good for this occasion.

anyway. thanks. i'll just sit here looking out the window at the empty street and enjoy my lukewarm bourbon vanilla tea. steeped too long.

i miss my friends in santa barbara.

(by the way, i'm not as bummed as i may sound. i'm just in a mood.)

OH SHI-

2008-09-24T22:13:00.000-07:00

tha 26th is tha day!

of course

2008-09-17T21:09:00.000-07:00

the goddamn seatpost clamp broke as soon as i got that shit together. at least now i can try to get the matching clamp to go with the thomson post and stem.

as you can tell, i got nothing going on in my life. no reason to post anything.

also:

"Totally v&, and they're charging him with terrorism which means they can hold him indefinitely a la Patriot Act. He's being flown to Guantanamo right now and probably will be tortured into revealing how to undo the ROW ROW FIGHT THE POWAH word filter because someone from his website hacked one little e-mail but they got scared and said you're moving with your aunte and uncle in Bel-Air"

pretty pumped on fried chicken

2008-09-14T19:11:00.000-07:00

against me! - reinventing axl rose (acoustic)

i think i'm going to upgrade this shitty bike with the parts i want for my badass bike. then, when i'm done, i'll just swap out the frame. probably save myself at least some time, if not some money. i'm getting pretty pumped on this trash that'll be showing up in a few days. gonna get it painted. gonna be sexy. i just hope it's 1 1/8" and not 1" so that i can get a thomson stem to match the seat post i'm getting. i guess i'll need a bottom bracket, but the shell is only 103mm! what the shit? so small. i guess it won't be a 75 then. bummed. juiced on a new saddle though.

also, i'm pumped fer santa barbara. gonna be down there in a couple weeks. pumped on seeing my bros. marcelles, sam, adrian, dave, annabel, aimee, mike. gonna be a badass weekend.

fluff.

chilli cake

2008-08-31T23:35:00.000-07:00

orchid - destination: blood!

i need more friends. especially nowadays when i feel as though i have good 25% of one friend. i gotta find people to hang out with. but i'm in fucking santa rosa, with all the same santa rosa people. geh.

nick living in town for the next couple weeks is gonna be cool.

fuck it. i'll just work and make money and buy a bike and visit my friends in santa barbara and ride my bike with marcelles and pay bills and save money and move away and make friends in my new home.

new home new home new home.

initia

2008-08-30T18:47:00.001-07:00

orchid - ...and the cat turned to smoke

don't let yourself get caught up worrying about something that you cannot control, regardless of how important it is to you. just remember that no matter how bad shit gets, there will always be something in the future that makes up for it.

try to love life.

2008-08-29T00:29:00.000-07:00

traffic lights

2008-08-28T22:43:00.000-07:00

against me! - armageddon
(probably my favorite song ever)

a resolution of sorts. thank god. that knot in my stomach is mostly gone. just got a bit of tidying up to do.

ah yes. feels so good. actually, i think i feel better now than i have for a long long time, with respect to this particular situation of course.

i wonder if girls who love dan deacon and ampere and acoustic against me! exist.

vengeance

2008-08-26T23:10:00.000-07:00

i'm scared i've lost all of her, for good. i'm not sure if telling her that i am still in love with her was a good idea, but it was a risk that i took, and i'm glad i got it over with. i'm still gonna need to talk to her, explain myself. i just hope that i can still be at least her safety blanket. i want her to feel comfortable coming to me when things go bad.

i'm afraid i've lost my best friend.

i love you and i miss you. i hope i'm not saying the second half a year from now.

cross your arms

2008-08-26T20:37:00.000-07:00

i know that you know - i can tell

fuck this band/album is fucking INCREDIBLE. so much energy, innovation, simplicity. god.and the singer sounds a bit like sebastien grainger.

i'm feeling great right now. i have no clue why. my mind works so erratically. i constantly flip through conclusions and consequences in my head, and sometimes, if i'm lucky, i stumble upon that makes me feel great. that happened about 15 minutes ago. i love smiling to myself. i love the future. i love dancing alone in my room in my chair while i type this. i love alton brown. i love driving fast while listening to against me! and singing as loud as i can and not even caring about my left arm slowly burning from the suns brutal rays. fuck. life can be so awesome if you don't allow shitty stuff to get in the way.

that said, i'm probably gonna slip back into my stressing soon. but for now lets celebrate happiness and energy and prosperity.

i want to grill again. maybe when i head to santa barbara we can get a grill together and throw some burgers and dogs on there? yeah? fuck yeah.

listen dudes, i'm pretty pumped on life right now (quite the dichotomy from the last couple days, i know) and everyone else should be too. just step back from whatever issues are troubling you, and think about the future, and how in the future you won't have to worry about these problems, regardless of their intensity.

life can be so rad, you just have to let it.

breathing deeply, walking backwards

2008-08-23T23:13:00.000-07:00

the wombats - kill the director + blink-182 - feeling this = exactly how i feel.

i want to start by apologizing to everyone i have ever spoken to about mikayla. i have gone back and fourth too many times to count and i am sorry that you've had to deal with it. i do appreciate it, however, and no matter how hard i try i will continue to suck the greatest people into the problems that only exist in my head.

that said, it's back. these last 3 days have been incredible. so much quality hanging-out, great laughs and even better sing-alongs. i've realized that one thing that has changed about myself is that things with me are so much less dramatic then they used to be. everything had to be a big deal, even if it wasn't at all. i would turn everything into a scene from some romantic comedy because thats how i thought real life should have been. i've been exaggerating everything i would do concerning "my heart" felt, which, in turn, would make me feel worse (or better, inversely) then i would if i had just acted like a human. i feel that i have come down to earth a bit now, and can now handle things a hell of a lot better than i used to, and my first opportunity is right around the corner.

it's nice to know that i am her escape; i just hope thats not all i'm destined to be. being a safety blanket can be really great, just to know that i am the first thing she immediately reverts to when things go bad. but that can also be a real hollow relationship, no matter what kind of relationship it is. if all i am is reliability, then i am no more important than the pleasant scent of freshly washed clothes. i don't think i've gone that far down - actually, i think thats where i used to be but now am back up to where i was 3 years ago.

i'm gonna do it. got real close tonight, but she has work at 830 tomorrow morning and she was itching to get home and go to bed. it needs to happen soon. if nothing else it can result in some sort of closure, i hope. i hate looking forward. i hate planning the future. i hate forcing surprises away from my life. i love living in the moment: right now, this (in the infinitive) makes me happy, so i am only going to do this, regardless of what possible negative outcomes may result from the choice i've made. i'm just gonna take the chance and accept whatever the outcome is.

i'm going to try to not say anything about her to anyone anymore.

throw in a little blink-182 - asthenia and blink-182 - rollercoaster for the pining.

"every time you take a big risk in your life, no matter how it ends up, you're always glad you took it."

for adrian

2008-08-15T21:35:00.001-07:00

i'm super pumped on a couple new jams of mine.

myspace.com/suchincircles

CHECK MY SHIT OUT.

and my body

2008-08-13T10:53:00.000-07:00

the wombats - my first wedding

conflict. listening to brand new and perusing apartmenttherapy.com, all while stirring through this latest outburst and it's potential complications has taken me two steps backwards. now, as i have told many of you (1 or, though, that is many in terms of my audience), i have no romantic feelings left for mikayla. i mean, there will always be something there, just like any other long-term relationship gone sour, but, for all intensive purposes, i'm not into her. she's having this issue, and she cannot solve it. well, she could, but it would put her in an even worse situation than she is in now. i'd really like to help her out, but the only way i could is take her with me when i leave. big problem, right? and even though i'm not into her, i'm sure that living together would fuck that up real quick. honestly, i just really want to help her out, i hate seeing her cry and hearing her describe all the bullshit he puts her through. it breaks my heart to see her so miserable. but as long as i live here, there is nothing i can do for her. baww, i don't know. difficult. i want to help her.

probably won't do it, since it's almost certainly a bad idea for myself, but if i can help her out, i don't know. nevermind.

dying dreams

2008-08-12T22:42:00.000-07:00

against me! - armageddon

fuck time off. seriously. in my current situation, days that i don't work really suck. i have nothing to do at home, and i have 0.75 friends to see, but only if they aren't busy with work or other friends. at least i'm starting to get paid. got a small check, but enough to hold me over until i get my next one, which will be a bit heftier. paying off bills and saving up to move - sounds like the summation of the rest of my life.

disgusting

2008-08-11T19:43:00.000-07:00

i don't understand this ridiculous excitement over pineapple express. it's just aother bullshit stoner movie, and it has that unfunny seth rogan guy in it. dumb complaint, but there are so many respectable people who are crazy pumped on this stupid fucking movie.

fuck you if you're into it.

life isn't worth it

2008-08-08T19:52:00.001-07:00

life = working to earn money to give to other people. thats it.

not worth it.

fuck you, tinyurl.com

2008-08-05T19:42:00.000-07:00

don't ever click a tinyurl link. i did. and now i'm worried that the fbi is gonna show up at my door and throw my ass on megan's list. fucking directed me to some fbi monitored search page with the searched phrase being "lolita" and this giant page saying "your ip address has been logged for further investigation due to these particular search terms that have violated us code bullshtbullshit." god damnit. shit looked real, too. so, now i'm all worried.

fuck you, dude who disguises illegal shit using tinyurl.com.

chanapocalypse then

2008-08-02T00:20:00.000-07:00

Now, this is a story all about how
All chans got haxxed-DDos'd until down
So I'd like to take a minute
Just sit right there
I'll tell you how all the sick fucks had to find a new lair

In west Chanatopia boner raised
On the random was where I spent most of my days
Fappin' out winnin' failin' all cool
And all closin' some newfags outside of the pool

When a couple of fags
Who were just two "no good"
Started sending requests for a server flood
/b/ thought it was anontalk and sysop got scared
He said 'I don't even have money for fucking food' this is not my affair

I tried out all chans and when it said 'error'
The IRC said 'RAIDCHAN' and it had dicks as the HaX0r
Only the shitty chans for once were the winrar
But I thought 'Yo homes to 7chan its fuckin' madagascar'

I pulled up to the rainbow road about 7 or 8
And I yelled to the refugees 'Yo /b/tards the war just started'
I looked at 4chan
It must be soup day at m00t's
inB4 shitstorm, just man up the harpoons.

troll detected

2008-08-01T10:30:00.000-07:00

another phone - recuerdos

yesterday evening was so good.

the day started off as any other day off. dicked around on the interweb fer a while. no shower. watched v for vendetta. THEN NICKANDJULIA ROLL UP. we cut out to tha (good) taco truck in roseland where my two asada tacos -cilantro + can of pepsi was purchased for me by nickandjulia because the rule. break out to nick's mom's to grab his n64 and take it to his dad's ta play. get there, mess with this awesome 8-week-old french bulldog named "boo" (motherfucker is like 10 pounds) and bites hard. discussed rule 34. play mariokart for a while, then ate some pizza +exploding plate. then played fucking goldeneye - shane lost every time. then smash brothers where shane redeemed himself and proved he is not an hero. fuck you, level 9 captain falcon, still got yer ass raped. then back home.

delicious.

fabulous

2008-07-31T01:40:00.000-07:00

"I HATE WHITE PEOPLE BCUZ:
1. u all racist
2.u pale as hell
3.u fuckin stupid
4. u stereotype niggas cuz u all dumb
5. ur fat
6. u look like marshmellows
7.u look like gluesticks
8. u close minded
9. u jus straight up bitch"

get away get away get away

2008-07-28T01:08:00.000-07:00

from me.

sucks, but it's got to happen. i just gotta figure out when to and how to say "goodbye forever."

----

sounds like i'm not feeling great, but i totally am. i haven't left the house since i got home from work on friday, and i'm leaving for the first time tomorrow morning for work. so pumped on my first paycheck though - pay my parents back for the work clothes they bought me, pay a little bit of my medical bills, buy gas for work, and maybe get a bike part [bottom bracket!!].

i'm so excited to have income. i'm excited to take care of my financial situation AND finish my bike AND save to move! i'm crazy pumped to live alone and work. i want to live a real life.

SO JUICED.

updated

2008-07-27T19:40:00.000-07:00

look.

oh god, rachael leigh cook looks soo good as a blonde

2008-07-26T11:43:00.000-07:00

rob hunter - waiting

hahahah, that old boss hoe already quit. she showed up for the first day of training and didn't come back the next day. whatever, she's clearly a bitch.

i'm pretty pumped on getting $200 for 3 days of "work." and by "days" i mean 6-ish hours a day. mmmm. so good.

weekend bro-down with nick is imminent. so juiced.

um, still pumped on providence.

i guess thats it.

one less peg

2008-07-23T17:23:00.000-07:00

my new coworker (read: my old boss from best buy - HILARIOUS) is totally cute. she's probably 24 or something though. WHATEVER.

we won't dream

2008-07-19T23:09:00.000-07:00

lali puna - people i know

how can someone be outrageously selfish AND crazy self-destructive? doesn't make any sense, huh? well, i know someone like that, and i'm done dealing with them. since i decided not to deal with that, i've been feeling pretty good.

also, i think i'm past my two-year hang-up. i've said it before, but i'm feeling good about this one. i'm feeling great. and i know that whatever feelings i had for her i will have for someone else.

shit's pretty good. yeah. feelin' good, listening to badass jams (bam bam - oro flash). mmmm.

(wei/nick - weigh in on my jam in the previous post.)

such in circles

2008-07-17T20:45:00.000-07:00

this mess is mine - i have an elephant in my pocket

i actually kind of like that for a name. hmm. i'm really liking it. (what do you think?)

so, i have what is at least the shell of a song made. i'm happy with where it's going. i have it mapped out with it's particular parts where they need to be, including an ending. the beginning is kinda sketchy so far. i have conceded to the fact that i cannot make the kind of music i'd really like to make. when i open a new song and start putting ideas down into the computer , it just turns into classic shane stuff, which i am not happy about. but at least this particular song is coming along nicely. i'm putting it up here so the two of you that read this can listen to it. i've been out of tha game for a long time now, i hope it wasn't too long.

in the past, i've always "finished" a song when i was just done wanting to deal with it. that method always resulted in mediocre, at best, results. sick of that. i'm going to spend time on things, make sure it's exactly what i want it to be. yeah. that's gonna happen.

i'll try, though.

here's the jam. tell me what you think.

also, here's that thing i made that i was gonna post.

eh?

this mess is mine

2008-07-16T01:38:00.000-07:00

trondheim - ser heimliche star des abends

another incredible night. i've spent the last two-and-a-half hours pillaging various idm/ambient/minimalist electronic netlabels of all their free album goodness. i think i got somewhere in the ballpark of 45 to 50 albums. and its all so good. especially this band, and ten and tracer, and this mess is mine, and cantaloup. shit. some super mellow stuff, some crazy glitchy stuff. some both. man, i'm feeling great again tonight.

finding buttloads of free music on the internet isn't hard in the slightest, you just have to know where to look. and i've spent half of my life online, so i know all sorts of backdoors and wacky swedish-only sites with oodles of tasty goodies.

haven't left my house in 3 days. i'm so okay with that.

also, i've decided on what direction i'm going to take my music towards. still have no new name, though. geh. it's tough figuring out band names, especially if you don't want to be called the [blanks]. i want to get a name, work on songs, and get a netlabel to release an ep before i head off to rhode island. it's pushing it, but i think i can do it.

anyway, feel great, everyone! it's so much nicer to be (virtually) carefree than to be worrying about shit you have no control over.

night, playas!

change of heart

2008-07-14T16:59:00.000-07:00

air france - june evenings

decided against my original plan. i was having doubts anyway. whatever. feelin' good now. pretty fucking good. yesterday and today have been rad, and it's because i have scrapped that plan of mine. mmm.

got reason, finally. after going through a bunch of weird backdoors in the program and various other programs (read: fuck downloading dvd software just to virtually run a disc), i finally have reason 4, which means i can make music again. i'm sure there are some people saying "oh fuck, not again," but i will be taking a different approach to music making. i want to start totally fresh, which means a new name. can't think of anything awesome right now, but i'll figure something out (i'm also open to suggestions). i would really like to get like 25 7" pressed of my classic jams, like, a four-song "best of," if you will. i think i would be able to sell at least some of them.

reason is the shit. so much more legit than fl studio. i can actually use my midi keyboard with it. mmm.

i need inspiration. i'm way excite to do some shit, but i have no inspiration so there's nothing or me to produce. dammit. i guess that means i'm gonna need to scour my music library to find ideas.

scattered. ugly. aesthetically unpleasing.

i'm feeling really great right now

2008-07-12T02:10:00.001-07:00

maybe its the animal collective that i'm listening to on spike's muxtape, or maybe its that i'm enjoying all sorts of web 2.0 goodies. whatever. i'm feelin' good.

everybody should feel good.

city life, oi!

2008-07-11T01:45:00.000-07:00

the casualties - riot

THROWBACK!

i've been searching the internet for interesting band names in the hopes that i will like the music the interesting name suggests. i found acursed, and i fucking love it. hardcore thrashy-as-fuck punk. brutal vocals, fast as shit. mmmm. got me into an old skool punk kick - enter the casualties and a global threat. oh snap. feelin' it.

i made something recently. i'm pretty proud of it. i'll post a picture up here soon.

still pumped on providence. actually, i got a lot more excited tonight looking through some providence resident's flickr showing all sorts of awesome places and people and times. mmm. so many bikes! score. still browsing craigslist constantly. yep.

fluff post. nothing important to talk about.

listen to air france. their new ep no way down is incredible. download it here. (i uploaded it to rapidshare, so don't be worried about viruses or anything.)

sweet

2008-07-04T22:56:00.000-07:00

its not just me!

two others see it!

good news.

qualifications

2008-06-26T10:40:00.000-07:00

i hope i'm not broken forever.

i see possibilities

2008-06-22T22:53:00.000-07:00

casy & brian - duex drumbaclots

got a bike. converted it to single speed, mainly because the derailleurs sucked. gotta get a new stem though. absolutely important. i'm so excited to have a bike now, i can leave the house! if nothing else, i can go on really long bike rides alone and just explore with my camera - i've been wanting to do that since i moved back.

sportsday megaphone - less and less

i've been going through some shit, all in my head, but shit nonetheless. it may be resolving itself. and i think i know why, and that sucks too. fucking vague. sorry.

all in all, life is getting better.

nick, come back up here for bike rides.

some things

2008-06-20T11:18:00.000-07:00

nathan fake - stops

i've been having brutal dreams ever day right before i wake up. they've been really terrible, like, the worst thing i could imagine. every day, too. i don't know what to do about it, maybe i'll just start getting up earlier or something. fuck.

i love teaching people about things i know a lot about. bikes, photography. that's about it. maybe it's not so much "teaching" as it is "informing," but either way if someone is eager to learn, i'll be eager to teach. especially bikes. so much fun. i like to share my (limited) knowledge.

i hate that i don't have a bike.

wah.

passers-by

2008-06-18T01:58:00.000-07:00

underoath - some will seek forgiveness, others escape

i've further formulated my plan. i'm feeling better about it each day.

either i'm starting to sense something, or i just hope i am. it's kinda nice.

christ

2008-06-15T18:59:00.000-07:00

it comes in waves, and right now is one of those waves. go away. i can't remember if it was better when i lived in santa barbara, but if it was then i know what i need to do.

6 months is a long time.

i totally like elf

2008-06-15T02:12:00.001-07:00

the movie.

can't sleep

2008-06-14T02:45:00.000-07:00

and i've got a choice to make. i've got 3 options, one of which is just to do nothing, but i'm committed to stray away from that particular door from now on. the other two are definitely more drastic, and will change everything.

i've got about 6 months, but i'd say only about 4 to make my decision.

i can see you in the mirror

2008-06-09T01:28:00.000-07:00

ampere - woodlawn

watch mission hill and you'll know exactly where i want to be come january. i want a real life. and, fortunately, that's not too unattainable. i want to work somewhere with awesome (and cute) co-workers, live in an awesome apartment, and have awesome friends that bro down all the time.

hopefully i'll be able to get a mid-level photographic job, and there's a good chance that'll happen after working with lifetouch for a while. can't wait to start getting money so i can save and buy a bike and all sorts of good stuff. job = one step closer to providence. mmmm.

interesting fact: the town of quahog does not exist. woonsocket, however, does.

ampere - past imperfect

sweaty bros is awesome

2008-06-08T01:00:00.000-07:00

badass show. ampere rulezd. chores epicked. loma prieta brutalized. seriously, one of the best shows i've ever gone to. i got all sorts of sweaty in that tiny living room. all sorts of crowd surfing and back-drumming and bros smilez and general great fun.

sailboats jam was played, as was woodlawn, and corey barnes. shit shit shit. so good.

it was awesome chillin with you while you were in town, ethan. i really gotta make it up north before i move.

boigur

2008-06-04T00:56:00.000-07:00

algernon cadwallader - serial killer status

i've been in such a foul mood for the last few hours. i think this particular mood is going to be coming in waves for the remainder of the time i'm living in santa rosa. there are so many factors to stuff being shitty here for me (not just "santa rosa sucks" like so many of you say). there's a whole slew of shit that i don't want to deal with, things that i was able to escape by living in santa barbara, and now that i'm back so is all the shit i left behind.

l'antietam - am:jm

people fucking shock me. the stupid shit people do is unbelievable. but hey, i'm sure everyone except dillon and ethan think it's stupid as fuck to move to rhode island, so i can't really complain. but there are some glaring examples of downright fucking ignorance. i won't go into that, but let it be know that i am crazy critical of damn near everyone, especially when they decide to do things that will (most likely) ruin their fucking lives.

ampere - woodlawn

fuck. i need to stay away from providence craigslist. getting my hopes up. i can't even begin to look for a place right now, so i just need to keep away from the listings of the gorgeous $600/month 1 bedroom apartments. uuuuuuunnnnnhhhhhh.

shooting isn't really happening since i don't have the cash to pay for processing. shit, i've just been going through the small cache of images i have on this computer and editing the fuck out of them. look at a couple of them.

ethan in town = good. going to skaggs island tomorrow, chilled with a gang of bros last night, including GORGEOUS blonde girl with cheek piercings who was way interested in my attendance of photography school. most likely (too much) older and (too much) taken. possibly by one of the other bros at said gathering. gay. whatever. i'm sure i'll never see her again. don't matter.

if i stay home for ore than an hour and a half i get crazy cabin fever and freak out, but i can't go anywhere because i'm broke as fuck (<$50) and noone to see. shitty cycle.

saturday+the church+loma prieta+the new trust+ampere+chores = good times. lets just hope that i have enough money to make it out there.

/anger

mmmmm

2008-05-31T18:37:00.000-07:00

the blow - true affection

providence. if/WHEN i move out east thats where i'm headed. i'm planning on a november or january move, by then i should have been able to save up enough money to move and live there for at least a couple months (just in case it takes a bit to find a job).

dream apartment.

i'm getting crazy excited. i've been doing all sorts of research on providence and rhode island, and it sounds awesome. i mean, it is humid during the summer, but thats just part of living in new england. also, it would be awesome to live in a major city so close to boston that i could ride my bike there. shit. i'm getting too pumped.

snow!

p.s. i think i'm starting to lose weight. SO DOWN!

heinous

2008-05-28T21:57:00.000-07:00

i'm going absolutely crazy. i can't stay here, doing the same thing ever day, hanging out with the same person every day (which comes with with it's own set of problems), i can't even really live in this town. it's gotten to me real quickly. i have a lot of issues being here, issues that have blown up in the last couple weeks. i want to get ut of here as soon as possible, preferably in just a couple weeks, but that's not going to happen. i'm really thinking getting out of here to the east coast. maryland, vermont, new hampshire, connecticut, massachusetts, rhode island. i'm really considering it. i'd love to do it. just get the hell out of here, start a new life, make some new friends.

i'm going to try to roadtrip out to the east coast at some point, chill out there for a week or something. i'd love some company. probably in a few months.

fucking monotony. it's gonna kill me.

i'm thinking about the east

2008-05-28T20:16:00.000-07:00

rac - a link to the past (rac remix)

but yeah, maybe baltimore or providence, it'd be cool. it's definitely running through my mind. i gotta get out of here.

panic panic panic panic

2008-05-27T23:36:00.001-07:00

oh god it can't be true. there's no way.

omen omen omen omen.

20,000

2008-05-27T11:41:00.000-07:00

you were downtown in a city that was not santa rosa. you were in a shop upstairs, it was a kinda big shop. i dressed in a nice suit or tux, and found you. i gave you something, i can't remember what. the ring was inside, you didn't notice so i pulled it out and got on one knee. it was a ring you'd talked about, your dream engagement ring. it looked like a painting or a tiny collage, with blue being the prominent color, including a large square blue stone on the right side. i asked you to marry me. you said yes, and i had never been that happy. i said "really?" and you said "yes" again. the two of us went to meet up with your mom where she asked me if he and i still hated eachother. i didn't respond, but of course the answer was "yes." then, he and a friend of his showed up, apparently invited by her mom or by you beforehand. i pulled you aside and we briefly discussed something, i don't remember what. i touched you around your waist and you stopped me and looked at him to make sure he didn't see. i complied.

then i woke up.

----------

i felt i needed to transcribe my dream. it was the most realistic dream i've ever had, and when i woke up, i thought that was a dream. yep, i thought reality was a dream and my dream was reality.

anyway, disregard.

it's getting worse

2008-05-27T11:38:00.001-07:00

that was probably the most realistic dream i've ever had. i thought it was completely real. probably one of the worst dreams i could have had right now. but it also served to show me what's going on in the darkest regions of my mind, the stuff i don't want to believe is in my head.

(not) spectacular

2008-05-23T11:14:00.000-07:00

1.4 miles ran continuously. i'm not sure if that's anything to brag about but i was sure as hell surprised that i was able to do that. it was my second time running while living in santa rosa, and the first time was two weeks ago. i've modified my diet a bit, so my metabolism has probably started to adjust to my new calorie intake.

get in shape get in shape get in shape get in shape

but i think i'm going to run every day. last night around midnight was the mile.4 and i just got back from another short run, probably about half of last night's. running rules though.

mmm. i need to figure out how to make friends, because for as much as i love chillin' with mikayla, i need more shit to do. a job! i need one of those too. i can only sell so much stuff on craigslist, and my dolla count is running low.

probably doesn't help that i went to the city yesterday, but miraculously only paid for one meal at in n' out and one 7". people paying for shit is teh bezt. yesterday was a good-ass day.

bike? soooon. like, 2 months. at the earliest. grrph.

the mars volta - aberinkula

with your head on my shoulder

2008-05-19T12:08:00.000-07:00

you should always do what feels right. never deny yourself anything you want.

there are situations which feel right but also feel so wrong at the same time. and the best advice i can give is to embrace the good, and to deny the bad from interfering.

life ≠ logical. don't try to force it.

chipper

2008-05-17T12:29:00.000-07:00

mmmmmmmm.

i'm craving bike super hard. i think it's because i have some awesome parts laying around waiting to be put together into a great bike, but i can't because i have no money for the remaining $1400 of parts i want (need). ghhh. i need an outlet, i'm all bike restless.

- frame doesn't really matter, as long as it's steel and doesn't suck. bareknuckle? $740 is a bit much for that frame i think
- or a gt pulse, my one exception to the steel rule
- 32h dura ace laced to mavic open pros
- eai superstar 17t, some gold or black izumi chain
- black sugino 75s, 46t chainring, sugino 75 bottom bracket
- thomson stem, and maybe seatpost if my silver supertype doesn't look good with all the other black components
- king headset, maybe red
- rx-1s with mks cages and double toshis (red)
- answer pro tapers with ourys (maybe something else)
- either black turbo or black regal, maybe black rolls

gehhhhhhhhhhhh, i'm getting so antsy. i have a month and a half left till i can ride again, so maybe if i get a job in th next couple weeks i can use most of the money from my first two paychecks to start purchasing parts. fuckkk. i want to ride to bad. if i were able to ride i know i would be able to make some friends. that's how it worked in santa barbara. but here, i'm totally lonely. i chill with lilli and mikayla. that's it. ever. whine. and i can't really do that anymore either because i'm so fucking broke. i'm forced to stay home, and since it's been so goddamn hot i wouldn't even dare putting clothes on, let alone go outside.

santa rosa is awesome and all, but not when you have 2 friends. whine whine whine whine. my myspace bulletin hang-out attempts have proved fruitless, and i have run out of ideas. whine whine. but honestly, it does suck. nick wont be off for summer for another month, and i don't think i have any other friends coming back into town for the summer. i need a job.

"oooh, sorry. you're about a week late, we hired our summer help on tuesday"
"but you posted this job opening on craigslist this morning"
"we did? hah, that's funny"
"fuck you"

dammit.

kill him already

2008-05-16T01:44:00.001-07:00

shellac - prayer to god

new favorite song.

turned in four applications so far, and it turns out that i've gotten to each one of these jobs about a week too late - they've "already hired summer people." bitches. i need a job. i need money for gas and to move and for a wacom tablet and for a new fucking bike! i have about $1200 to go on that bike. motherfucker.

alright, gonna turn in an application to ritz in the mall. breaking one of my rules: no working in the mall. fuck. i need money.

word to $60 in tha bank.

dammit, i need a new ipod too. fuck listening to cds in tha car.

hot as fuck

2008-05-14T19:07:00.000-07:00

josh staples - prayer to god

favorite porno titles ever:

Dude, Where's My Cunt?
Big Omar's British Adventure - London Cunt Hunt
30 Days in the Hole
There's A Black Man In My Wife's Ass

so good.

so, i need to hang out with more people. i've been chillin' with the same 2 people every fucking day, and it's getting old.

come on, when do you chumps get out of school for summer?

yesterday was a good day

2008-05-10T11:52:00.000-07:00

loma prieta - last city (DA WHOLE DAMN ALBUM)

woke up at 9 am at kelley's place in oakland, drove over to tha city to go to japan town, then downtown, then the castro where kelley had to work and where i walked down to the mission then up noe hill then back down to the castro. the castro is rad, well, i guess outer castro is rad. the neighborhoods in that area are so neat and so expensive - maybe i'll retire up there. anyway, after that short jaunt to sf, kelley and i headed back to oakland, then i left an hour later to head back to the city for the loma prieta album release show at the bike kitchen. mmm. furnace, tigon, CAPSULE, and LOMA PRIETA. capsule, good as fuck, loma prieta (opened up with an old jam - delicious), good as fuck, furnace was brutal, and this band tigon was actually pretty fucking good. i went to the show alone, but ran into anthony, chatted him up. picked up the new loma prieta jamz, then headed home and grabbed some taco bell on the way.

crazy good day.

also, i feel like this post is really ugly. i may revise it later, because, of course, it's all about aesthetics.

(p.s. )

deprived

2008-05-07T16:37:00.000-07:00

alright, i'm done being home. at least this version of home. santa rosa, as a city, is great, but it's pretty hollow when you have noone to hang out with. i've made a few ventures downtown and to railroad square and to the jc area and whatnot, and haven't run into anyone i know. sucks that everyone is gone. i need to fnd some friends, however impossible that may be.

gay.

/whine.

come

2008-05-01T10:55:00.000-07:00

for hang-outs?

you know who you are.

choking up

2008-04-28T20:17:00.000-07:00

svu is amazing.

i'm leaving tomorrow. it's weird - i've been living here for almost two years and i only feel as though i've been wasting my time and my parent's money.

but i'm moving home tomorrow. and i will be shooting bunches.

i don't really have much to say.

change

2008-04-23T00:10:00.000-07:00

the pixies - hey

i'm feeling crazy creative right now. i want to take pictures of things, but i need to ration my film. also, there ain't much to shoot right now. geh.

studio apartments in santa rosa average about $750.

tonight's the night

2008-04-21T23:37:00.000-07:00

santiago - the night they drove the midway down

oh gabe meline, you have stolen my heart.

so homesick. listening to rosenberg's after dark makes me crave to walk the quiet streets of the santa rosa downtown. i love it, and i know that i am one of maybe six people who will openly say that they love that town. i'm so excited to be going home, like, at this moment. but it'll pass, because i'll think of all the people that i don't want to see and how i will have to see them during the short stint that i will be in town. actually, what i like most about santa rosa is the night there; i know that sounds pretty strange, but let me explain: there s something about being out at night in this quiet town that is absolutely beautiful. maybe it's the entirely open streets in which you can use to walk, or maybe it's the normally bustling stores that are now so hauntingly desolate, you know, with the exception of one or two homeless dudes drinking 32 oz of whatever dirty malt liquor they could buy for the $2.15 they found on fourth street a few hours earlier. really though, i'm sure that A LOT of the younguns that constantly speak of how much they hate santa rosa secretly love walking around it at night. but not the hoochies. they just want to get railed in the back of tony thompson's big-ass truck - if they're going anywhere at night, its to the bone-zone.

the first thing i'm going to do when i'm back in town is take a long stroll through howarth park in the early morn with my holga, (soon to be) my brownie reflex II, my billy record, and a lot of film. oh yeah, my ipod too. and tripod and light meter and maybe even my canon. i'll need a soundtrack for my trip, and it'll probably be a playlist of lots of santa rosa music. seriously, why does everyone hate santa rosa? i fucking love it, and you should too.

i want to go on photography adventures with people.

santiago - we are everywhere

i'm getting up early tomorrow and i'm going to get some boxes and clean out my car. i've been sorting/garbaging the beginnings of my stuff in my apartment for moving. i have a giant bag of things to toss, and a very small amount of things to keep. i like it.

i want to make a lot of new friends while in santa rosa. i want to hang out with a new crew of fools, because for as long as i can remember it' been the same handful of people, and i will have (almost) noone in town. uckk. no good. but i definitely want to hang out with some awesome genuine people. i hope i run across some of these things.

gotta buy more nag champa tomorrow too. mmm.

santiago - impulses

super pumped on lyfe

2008-04-17T02:57:00.000-07:00

more things to buy:

1. hawaiian sweet bread
2. kodak brownie.

i'm gonna go to samy's tomorrow to see if they have a brownie, or maybe any other fucked up dirty 120 camera. i really want to be productive tomorrow, i'm so not down with waking up at (at least) noon and waiting around until 9 when chris gets off work, and then we chill. i mean, i'm always down to chill, but i'm not down with wasting my day sleeping and not doing anything.

i think my general month-long complacency has been fueling my creative side. i've been really wanting to shoot lately, and i have a new technique i want to try. i think i'm gonna set up an etsy shop, try to sell some prints. also, i've been inspired to compile my best electronic songs i've made and try to either get some 7 inches pressed or some cd's maybe and try to sell them. i think i have enough good songs that i could actually sell some stuff, but i'd need some help promoting this shit from some of my friends. i'd really love to be able to do this, so please, of the 2 of you who read this, let me know if you would be willing to help package stuff, or even just tell your friends about it. i'd love to get something out of 4 years of my creative hard work. also, if either of you know anyone in the sonoma country/san francisco/santa cruz/east bay areas that would be willing to host a photo show by a starving college student please let me know. i'm getting really motivated to start making a name for myself and start making my passions into something more lucrative. i'm going to start asking around more about these things too, so don't think i'm only blindly asking the 2 readers of this blog for their help. but really, i'd love some help with some of my work.

shit, i always get excited/motivated/inspired around 3 am. it's like a dick in the ass.

mmm

2008-04-16T02:22:00.000-07:00

sexy new super dope vans. now i just need another couple pairs of pants.

i REALLY need to stop buying stuff.

20850

2008-04-15T04:06:00.000-07:00

i'm pumped for two things:

1. my fucking shirts! i have 4 in the mail, along with some vinyl and cd's.

2. IRONMAN. may 2nd - who's coming with me? NICK? HMM? I THINK SO.

god dammit. i really need to get to sleep. fuck. my sleep schedule est BONED.

anaesthetic

2008-04-15T01:33:00.000-07:00

since by man - photographer ex post facto

tonight is a good night. started with the viewing of a pretty shitty zombie movie with friends, then headed in one of those directions i love so much. i have been sitting at my computer for a couple hours now downloading and listening to music. i just ordered another two shirts (jesus) and as soon as i receive everything i've ordered, i will be up to 10 shirts. i am really excited to have that many shirts to wear. mmm, black t-shirts. now i need jeans.

i know this sounds as dull as possible, but it really is something i'm crazy excited about. it's been a long time since i've had enough shirts to wear a different one each day of the week. santiago, against me!, coliseum, loma prieta, young virgins, zombie, rad art, stripes, the new trust, and converge tees. i'm just gonna keep buying them, because, shit, at $10 a shirt how could i not but a buttload?

i'm excited to do my laundry tomorrow, i love the smell and the feel of clean clothes. my new collection of american apparel briefs needs to be washed so i can wear my pimp light aqua underwear. shit, underwear fucking rules. i'm so down for boxer briefs, but moreso just regular briefs. if only they weren't $12 a pair.

nick, i'm getting pumped to chill. and i have no idea when that'll even happen. but still: pumped.

the last couple days have been nuttz.

2008-04-14T03:12:00.000-07:00

young widows - baritone #3

lilli + mel (lilli's rad friend) came to santa brobara. we chilled. chris chilled almost the whole time, too. didn't go to sleep friday night until 11 am saturday morning. woke up at 4 being bitched at by lilli saying "i drove all day yesterday, and i worked all day too so you can't complain about needing more sleep." yes i fucking can. i don't care what you did or didn't do - it doesn't fucking affect me. so don't fucking bitch at me for needing to sleep more than 5 hours in two days, i don't give a fuck what your deal is. anyway, lots of chillin, lots of drunk-ass chris. and i've been purchasing things online again. jesus. i still have a a couple cd's, a couple rekkids, and a few shirts coming. mmm, i love mailorder.

oh yeah, i just got pulled over and breathalized because apparently coca cola smells like alcohol. fucking prick cop.

this is my 'to-buy' list

2008-04-13T04:52:00.000-07:00

cloverfield dvd
no country for old men dvd
the complete calvin and hobbes boxed book set
most of a bike
more t-shirts

the calvin and hobbes book is the most important, though. i feel like i really need it.

my sleep schedule is so boned. thanks to going to bed at 11 am today, i'm still not tired enough to sleep now at 530 am. and i really need to stop purchasing things in the wee hours of the night. $40 for 2 shirts and a 7"/cd with shipping = pretty good deal.

bah. i'm gonna try to sleep again.

exoskeletal

2008-04-09T21:17:00.000-07:00

i love crunchberries

also, i really want a cat. i will name it pixel.

yessss

2008-04-08T15:27:00.000-07:00

l'antietam - our elders

i got my first bunch of new records today:

towers/they and the children - split 7"
end of a year/three fifteen - split 7"
tora! tora! torrance!/swing by seven - split 7"
coliseum/young widows - split 7"
l'antietam - we like it when the red water comes out 7"
the emo apocalypse picture disc LP
ed gein - judas goats and dieseleaters LP
l'antietam - family cd
l'antietam - arthur carr cd

mmmm.

i have more coming, too. i'm so pumped on all of this.

IF YOU ONLY YOU KNEW THEN YOU'D STEAL TOO

2008-04-08T03:26:00.000-07:00

choking victim - 5-finger discount

UH. i'm in such a music throwback kick right now. that and brutal heavy shit. like young widows and neurosis. i love choking victim. i love leftover crack. god yes.

COUGH SYRUP HELPS YOU RELATE TO THE DEAD.

nutmeg is not the question.

THE SICKNESS OF FEELING WILL END SOMEDAY.

OH WELL, IN HELL, WE LIKE IT WELL, WE THINK IT'S NICE, WE THINK IT'S SWELL.

HELL IS NICE, YOU MUST ADMIT THIS IS TRUE

WHEN THERE IS NO HOPE I SMOKE SOME CRACK, I SHOOT SOME DOPE.

AND IN MY IGNORANCE I'LL BE YOUR SLAVE AND SYCOPHANT.

I DON'T SEE THE GLORY I YOUR WAR STORIES, IT WAS JUST YOUR TURN.

WE'RE LIVIN' IN A POLICE STATE, I TELL YA MAN - IT AIN'T THAT GREAT.

I HATE MY LIFE I'M SUCH A MESS I WANT TO DIE I'M SO DEPRESSED

EXPLOITED BE THY NAME!

YOU'RE LIVING THE LAWS LIVING THE LAWS LIVING THE LAWS.

CRACK ROCK STEADY ARE YOU READY TO STOP, THE ROTTEN BLUE MENACE LETS GO KILL US SOME COPS.

THE PROMISE OF HEAVEN, THE THREAT OF A HELL

GOD IS DEAD!

HATE YOUR STATE! HATE YOUR STATE!

I KNOW MY RIGHTS, GET OUTTA MY WAY, I WONT FALL FOR THE LIES THAT YOU SAY!

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE CHOKING TO BECOME A VICTIM!!

IT FEELS LIKE JESUS ON THE CROSS, IT'S SO RELIGIOUS IN ITS LOSS

I AM A LOSER I AM SATAN I AM JESUS CHRIST I'M ME

livin'

2008-04-07T03:26:00.000-07:00

recently at night i've been craving this one... thing. ugh. it upsets me. i think i'll just get it over with, hopefully take care of that craving.

keep me away from paypal

2008-04-05T01:00:00.000-07:00

because it rules. and because i have a $300 balance.

and because i just dropped $50 on rekkerdz. should not be spending money, but i'm pumped on the emo apocalypse picture disc and the they and the children 7". shit yeah.

the slave union distro is the bomb.

don't be scared, we're gonna have a ball

2008-04-04T22:44:00.000-07:00

hot water music - a flight and a crash

buying stuff gets me excited. mail gets me excited. i ordered some shit from cadence last night, and i'm gonna order me something from the electric human project tonight i think. i love mailorder. like, legit mailorder. i love stamps and envelopes. and i love never knowing exactly when i'm gonna get my stuff because when it does finally show up its such a great surprise.

this little american flag just showed up on the top bar thing on my desktop.

weird.

blink-182 - shut up

i'm so into blink-182's last 2 albums. and the bouncing souls' recent releases. the night before last, i sat down with 3 badass movies (the royal tenenbaums, garden state, and stranger than fiction), and made the most incredible playlist. 248 songs. now, i know that seems like a lot for a playlist, but i designed it as an "always-good-shuffle" playlist. like, whenever i put my ipod/itunes on shuffle, since i have so much music, i get too many songs that i don't feel like listening to. so, this playlist was designed so that any song that comes on will be one that i want to listen to. it's mainly old favorites, you know, the kind of songs that i've listened to for years and have never gotten tired of. like right now. green day - welcome to paradise. a classic.

morning glory
the new trust
weezer
mad sin
elliott smith
anti-flag
rage against the machine
blood brothers
funeral diner
against me!
choking victim
cursive
underoath
ratatat
poison the well
hot snakes
the sex pistols
bright eyes
loma prieta
glassjaw
the cure
tiger army
you get the idea.

basically everything i have ever loved listening to. i can't wait to drive with this playlist on.

on that note, i plan on traveling a little bit during this interim period. i'm gonna go to santa cruz to see nick at least once, i'll be scouting the hell out of san francisco, i'll head over to oakland to see julian, and i want to explore up north a little bit (i'm looking at you, nick, for a mini road trip) and a bit into the east bay. i know that santa rosa isn't exactly in the best location for traveling and exploring, but i want to make the best out of it. i'm in that mood right now, the mood where all i want to do is drive with a friend with music playing really loud, with a lot of laughing and a lot of singing (re: leftöver crack).

smashing pumpkins - bullet with butterfly wings

attention nick: we need to really hang out. we haven't really chilled in a long time, like spent a good amount of time together, and i feel really bad about that. really man, i miss hanging out with you for like days on end and going off and reverting to twelve year-olds fucking around in the middle of the street and climbing on things. come on, dude. i'm basically pleading. give me a call man, i miss you.

mad sin - where the wild things are

i really hate this

2008-04-04T18:14:00.000-07:00

click here and read.

we move in 4/4 time

2008-04-03T00:30:00.000-07:00

against me! - armageddon

i'm sitting at my desk making an awesome playlist with garden state playing behind me. i just watched the royal tenenbaums and it rules. i'm having a really good time tonight.

UPDATE

2008-04-02T12:07:00.000-07:00

april 30th is the day. lata!

we cannot be hurt

2008-03-31T23:26:00.000-07:00

bloc party - flux

something about this song gets me in a really emotional/romantic/happy mood. i love it. actually, there's always some bloc party song that does this to me.

bloc party - waiting for the 7.18

there's another.

i'm really excited about the direction my life is taking. i feel like there are so many possibilities and i cannot be stopped. cheesy, but whatever. i'm really feeling great about everything, like my life is really changing or the better. i wonder what my life will be like in the next couple of years (hopefully) living in san francisco attending art school. one thing i'm really looking forward to is getting up early on a november tuesday and going to the nice part of market before a lot of people are out and just look at the sun rising. a lot like this:

(photo credit to one of the most beautiful humans i have come across)

bloc party - blue light

physical therapy is really taxing. like, a lot more so than i though it would be. fortunately the girl is rad (and cute!). i'm actually progressing pretty quickly - i gained 30˚ in one area since friday and another 80˚ in another. awesome. it's still crazy hard to move and that's to be expected, but i'm making progress and i couldn't ask for anything more.

i am not looking forward to being back in santa rosa. i mean, i am, but there are things back home that living in santa barbara has allowed me to escape. at least this'll force me not to be a bitch and actually deal with something. maybe. i'm making this sound a lot bigger than it really is. there isn't so much of a problem as an uncomfortable situation that i'd really rather be a couple hundred miles away from, rather than a couple blocks. geh, i'm doing a bad job of explaining this, which is what always happens when i try to leave details out of this blog and try to circumvent any specifics. whatever, it's for the better.

i'm sitting at my crappy desk in this shitty tiny apartment, in this awful superficial town. but i am also listening to music that makes me feel good and drinking a trader joe's blueberry soda, and thinking about what is yet to come. and i couldn't be happier.

say anything - alive with the glory of love

up up up

2008-03-30T20:37:00.000-07:00

examination of the... - lelani ulalume part 1 (the making prosaic)

i'm in such a great mood right now, i really shouldn't be listening to something so heavy and menacing. hrm.

*shuffle shuffle*

death cab for cutie - the new year
death cab for cutie - photobooth
death cab for cutie - president of what
death cab for cutie - blacking out the friction

good.

so i have a broken shoulder. i'm in physical therapy and it hurts. but whatever, i'll get better.

and now for the great news, i'm leaving brooks. it's been in the works for a while now, but it's finally happening and i couldn't be more excited. i'm leaving this shitty city and all these shitty half-friends of mine and starting over. i'll be going to art school in san francisco in the fall studying photography and graphic design. why graphic design? its something i've been really interested in for a while now, and i've recently been experimenting with it more on my own and really like how creative i can be with such a clean end result. there are no rough edges or eraser marks, unless you want them there. god, i'm so excited about life right now. i haven't told anyone here in santa barbara yet because i really don't know what to say. "hey guys, i know this is out of the blue and all, but i'm leaving in a month. lata!" if only i were a prick. i'm going to tell my good friends, and for everyone else i'll just let them find out however. i think i have five people to tell. FUCK I'M EXCITED. i hate this fucking city, it's so superficial and hollow. the whole fucking town closes at 6 o'clock, unless, you know, i'm some fucking surfer from ucsb or some fucking guido businessfuck who clubs it up every night. fuck, i hate this place.

i just went back and tallied up the "fuck's" in that last sentence: 4. new personal record.

but shit, i really am pumped out of my mind. i'm looking into a couple schools, and even though i've hated on it for so long, now that i'm looking into it for what i want to be doing, the academy of arts is looking real good. not only do they have a graphic design program there, but they also have FINE ART PHOTOGRAPHY. oh shit. that's a wrap. i want to major in graphic design but also be taking photography classes because what i would really LOVE to do is photograph-infused graphic design. i love manipulating the fuck out of an image and turning it into something completely different, and a lot of the time it ends up being quite a graphic image.

oh yeah, san francisco. so pumped. i mean, fuck dem hillz, but shit i love that city. so diverse, so beautiful. i think i'd be fine living in the east bay also (about $300 cheaper fr rent on average), but i'd be soo down for a badass apartment in the city. fuck dorms, i ain't doing that shit. i love that city though. when i say diverse i don't mean only in the general population but in the architecture and history and whatnot. i mean, the city ain't the oldest in the country, but it sure has a whole lot more soul than santa barbara. and chinatown! shit. also, i'm gonna be so close to home and the few friends i have there that rule so much. so fucking pumped.

i'm gonna be out of here sometime in may. i've already created a portfolio to send to admissions departments and i've been working on a copyright watermark for myself. i think this set of images is pretty strong, and it shows so many different styles of photography: landscape, architecture, concert, fine art, portraiture. i'm thinking that if i make myself a cover and get a nice looking folder to put it all in it'll really give me a leg up. i've already spoken to three different schools, and i have some weird phone-interview on tuesday for one of them. i'll be receiving information about 5 different schools sometime this week most-likely. I'M SO PUMPED.

i still have to finish things up with student services here at brooks, you know, make sure i don't get re-enrolled here or get charged another $8000 for a class i don't want to take. that's the heart of this change: i've been so unhappy for so long, and being at brooks in santa barbara has been doing a great job of compounding it. people should be happy, no? lilli said something that was that "lightbulb" for me: "people shouldn't stay unhappy if they have the opportunity to change it." i'm changing it.

i have been wondering, though, would this be happening if i had never gotten in that accident and broken my shoulder? i have no idea. but i feel i really need to thank kelley for being amazing and listening and just being so compassionate, lilli for being an awesome friend giving me her thoughts on the matter as well as her encouragement, and my parents who just want me to be happy and want to help me be happy. you guys rule.

i'll keep you updated, blog, on the next big changes in my life.

churn

2008-03-28T17:31:00.000-07:00

a big change is coming, and i'm super excited.

"happy"

2008-03-25T02:18:00.000-07:00

unattainable?

everything is going wrong at once

2008-03-24T11:45:00.000-07:00

i can't believe i'm almost crying right now. this isn't healthy.

i feel like shit.

you know who i've been missing a lot today?

2008-03-23T20:02:00.000-07:00

bingo.